Keeping Up with the Angevins - A Script

This is a short script I created a while ago for my gold arts award. I decided to create a parody of Keeping Up with the Kardashians by combining it with the Angevin empire (Richard the Lionheart, King John etc). Let me know your thoughts!

You can see the script in a more professional format here: https://app.studiobinder.com/company/5ea82b8e28ded52319ee8ac5/currentUser/5ea82b8e28ded52319ee8ac5/projects/5ea82bd5171310b1128a0cdc/document/5ea82c02ced7e9798c48d563?filter=%257B%2522l%2522%253A%25225ea82c02ced7e9798c48d565%2522%257D

A graphic on screen: Tonight On.

INT. A CASTLE - EVENING

In black and white

Phillip (30s) is sprawled on a chair.

PHILLIP

I just can't believe Richard would do this.

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. BANQUET HALL - EVENING

Richard (30s), is arguing with Phillip. Philip storms off.

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. A CASTLE - EVENING

Richard and John are arguing.

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. CASTLE, RICHARD'S BEDROOM - NOON

Richard is yelling at himself in a mirror.

FADE TO:

INT. A CASTLE - DUSK

PHILLIP

I just don't think I can take any more of this.

INTRO

In colour

EXT. A BATTLEFIELD - NOON

Following sequence accompanied by Palästinalied (music).

Richard vanquishes a man in battle with his sword. He yells triumphantly. Freeze frames on his face, title appears:

KING RICHARD THE LIONHEART

Phillip flails at Richard with his sword. Freeze frame, title appears:

KING PHILLIP II

INT. JOHN’S CASTLE - AFTERNOON

John is signing a check for £700. A tailor hands him some red robes. He tries them on. During which, some angry barons are knocking on the palace windows. Freeze frame, title appears:

KING JOHN (LACKLAND)

TITLE: KEEPING UP WITH THE ANGEVINS

A carousel of Phillip, Richard and John, transitioning into each other.

END MUSIC.

CUT TO:

INT. RICHARD’S CASTLE, THE THRONE ROOM - AFTERNOON

Richard is stamping up and down the throne room, deep in thought. John is slinking past Richard. He is almost at the throne when Richard notices him.

RICHARD

Oh John! Mine eye didst not notice you! Mayhaps, 'tis due to your most unremarkable temperance and gravitas.

As Richard is talking, John attempts to sneak away.

RICHARD

Wait a moment! Brother I must confide in thee.

JOHN

Oh, do you have to?

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

RICHARD

Ah, John.. Yes, he was always adored by our parents, never really saw the appeal personally.

CUT TO:

INT. HENRY II’S CASTLE - DAY

(In black and white to show flashback)

Richard and John (Teens) are lounging around the castle. Richard, bored keeps poking John. John grows annoyed and shoves him. They are about to fight, when their father, Henry II (50s) enters the room.

HENRY II

Well boys! I'm back! Did you miss me?

RICHARD

Father! Mother gave me land in France! Plus I totally destroyed John at jousting! You should've seen me!

HENRY II

Yes, yes whatever. How fare you John? My future king!

Henry II affectionately squeezes John's cheeks. Richard looks on jealous. John swats at Henry.

RICHARD

Whining

Future king? But Dad, I'm the oldest!

HENRY II

You are not ready to be king, young scoundral! You are too impulsive and violent! Now go to the naughty step!

Richard sighs and walks down the stars. He keeps walking. He keeps walking. He mutters to himself on the way down the seemingly endless staircase.

RICHARD

Dad says I'm too violent... Maybe I should try and refine my violence into military skill, acting precisely and thoughtfully instead of carelessly.... NAH! What an idiotic idea! He obviously wants me to be violent in some other way.. A more meaningful way! Like... like a crusade! Haha..! Then I shall be worthy of being king! WOAH!

Richard is so deep in thought he doesn't notice that he's reached the end of the staircase.

CUT TO:

INT. RICHARD’S CASTLE, THRONE ROOM - AFTERNOON

RICHARD

Indeed! Someone must hear mine great mind at work. You see, although I am respected and adored throughout the land.

John sniggers at this

There is something missing, I do not yet feel I am a true king!

JOHN

Sarcastically

Well, that's a real shame, I just wish I could be help my bro out... Perhaps I could rule in your place, take a load off your mind perhaps?

RICHARD

Ridiculous! The ideas that spring from your mind do bewilder me John, it is evident who inherited all the charisma, wit, money and power in our family. But, I do enjoy your presence, you do make me laugh with such ideas!

Richard gives John a noogie. John pushes him off.

JOHN

It wasn't a joke! God you're insufferable. Go die in the crusades for all I care! Maybe then everyone'll finally take me seriously.

John stumbles out the door.

RICHARD

He laughs

Oh my dastardly brother,

To cameraman

he's a right court jester isn't he? Ah, it bewilders the mind where he gets such concepts from. But, now to more pressing matters! How do I show my adoring subjects that they have allowed themselves to be ruled by the right ruler?

Richard resumes pacing. Graphic: 1 hour later.

INT. RICHARD’S CASTLE, THRONE ROOM - NOON

RICHARD

AHA! Mine wit hath gained purchase on an idea! We shall declare war on the sea!! Yes! An ingenious plan, it shall show my dominance over all of nature!!

The cameraman murmurs from behind the camera.

RICHARD

What? Someone else has already done that? Who! I shall have them placed in the stocks!

Cameraman murmurs.

RICHARD

What do you mean he's been dead for centuries! Ridiculous! The cheek of those Roman emperors! This task evidently will require more consideration!

Graphic: 3 hours later.

INT. RICHARD’S CASTLE, THRONE ROOM - DUSK

Richard has a goblet of wine in one hand. He pauses to inhale some wine.

RICHARD

Slurring his words

I've! I've got just the thing!

Richard leaps onto a table. He thrusts his sword into the air.

RICHARD (CONT'D)

HAH!

W-what if before I perish... I eat so much food that I combust! Nobody would forget a king who dies in such a way!

He mimes a massive explosion with his hands.

Cameraman murmurs under their breath.

RICHARD

WhAt?! Damn!

He flings his sword dramatically, it hits the cameraman who gasps in pain. He gets down from the table, deep in thought.

RICHARD (CONT'D)

He pauses for a beat, pensive.

Can't believe Will went out like that.

He pauses for a beat, and notices the cameraman.

Oh, whoops. Guards! Send in another!

A servant pulls the camerman away. The camera is left on the floor. The servant then pulls out another cameraman who picks up the camera and continues to record Richard.

RICHARD (CONT'D)

Well, I have no ideas.

Graphic: A day later

INT. RICHARD’S THRONE ROOM - MORNING

RICHARD

At last! I've got it!! I shall depart on the crusades! Yes! But it would be wrong to claim all the glory, I'll bring that sad fellow Phillip II along so he can take the blame if things go wrong! Ingenious!

John slumps into the throne room. Richard notices him and rushes towards him gleefully.

RICHARD

John!! Rejoice, for I have had an idea!

JOHN

Oh, you have? That's new.

RICHARD

Laughs too loudly

You rapscallion! Indeed, I have determined to depart on the third crusade!

JOHN

Hopefully

What? You're actually following my advice, you listened to me?

RICHARD

You silly creature! Of course not! This was entirely an idea born from my consciousness! Now, I have sent for Phillip, all that is left is to determine who shall run my country during the long years of war. John!

JOHN

Ecstatic

Thank you, thank you Richard! I promise that I'll be the best ruler you've ever seen!!!

RICHARD

What! And you wonder why I ridicule you so! No, I shall appoint William Longchamp! Oh, and you have to leave for 3 years, thank you, farewell!

John storms out of the throne room, slamming the doors behind him

RICHARD

Looks like someone hath risen upon the wrong side of the bed this morn! Now that's dealt with, onto more serious matters...

CUT TO:

INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM - MORNING

John is reclining on a lavish sofa. (A la Big Brother).

JOHN

No-one in this damn family takes me seriously. I can't believe he's not even giving me the chance to take the country for a spin! He's not even going to be here! I'll never get a chance at the throne while he's alive.

INT. A CASTLE, RICHARD’S THRONE ROOM - AFTERNOON

Camera zooms in on Richard's face. He appears to be straining with a great weight. The camera zooms out to reveal he is attempting to write a letter. In the background, servants are scurrying to and fro, arms stuffed with weapons.

RICHARD

Hurry! Hurry! I want to leave as soon as Phillip gets my letter!

Richard finishes his letter with a flourish.

RICHARD

Do you want to peruse mine scripture? Hah! Then please gaze as you like.

Letter: Hello Phillip!

You've been invited to the getaway package of a lifetime, we'll be visiting the scenic middle east, with our tour ending in Jerusalem. Come along, slay some sinners and grab some land!

From (Richard's name is written down and then crossed out), Pilgrimages Are Us.

RICHARD

He giggles

It's a perfect plan!

CUT TO:

INT. A CASTLE, MESSINA - NIGHT

Richard and Phillip are dining with their men and various nobles. Richard is getting noticeably more laughs and attention. The camera pans to Phillip, he is sitting at the end of the table, glaring at Richard.

RICHARD

Hark Phillip? What troubles you? Is there any particular reason your eyes are affixed upon me?

He waits expectantly for a beat

The crowd hesitates. Richard glares at them. The crowds laughs tastefully.

RICHARD

Mayhaps, you hath noticed mine shiny new necklace, forged by members of the London guild. But, good God! Where are your jewels? Your gold? Have you none?

CUT TO:

INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT

PHILLIP

I don't really understand Richard, like, at all. First he sends me a letter scam about going on holiday to the holy land? As if I'm going to fall for that. I get sent this schlock every couple years, the messengers from these people are dreadfully slow. Then he asked me if I want to risk my life for the holy land with him for money and a promise of not attacking my lands. Well, of course I said yes!

He sighs dramatically

It's so unfair, he gets all the attention and land, and what do I get? Nothing! And now he has the gall to insult me in front of my mates? It's infuriating! Also, I don't get the talking thing, no one does! What century does he think he's in? The 9th?

He pauses for a beat

You're not going to tell him any of this, right?

INT. A CASTLE, MESSINA - NIGHT

Richard is showing off a letter to some allies who nod and laugh appreciatively. Phillip walks over to where Richard is sitting.

PHILLIP

Uh, hey there Richard. Buddy, friend, er bestie. What are you doing?

RICHARD

Ah, hello Phillip, my dear ally and kin. I am conducting a rather essential duty for our campaign. That scoundrel Saladin must be captured at all costs!

The crowd cheers and Richard grins.

PHILLIP

Right, of course. That makes sense. One question. Why does it look like a letter of admiration from someone called Berengaria? I thought you were going to marry my sister?

RICHARD

Oh. Uh, Berengaria is, er. A general! Yes! Don't concern yourself.

Richard claps Phillip on the back laughing loudly. Phillip looks distinctly uncomfortable.

INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT

RICHARD

I assure you, good fellow, that I know nothing of this Berengaria!

Richard sweeps his arms in an grandiose gesture. Several photos of Berengaria, signed with her name, fall out of his sleeves.

RICHARD (CONT'D)

Oh. A moment, if you please.

Richard shoves the camera away. It flickers, showing him scrambling to pick up the pictures. Cuts to the same scene, Richard is sat back in the chair.

RICHARD (CONT'D)

Now, where was I... Ah yes, Phillip's lovely sister.

He glances at some smudged ink on his hand.

RICHARD (CONT'D)

Al- Alex - Alice!

Phillip is sat in the same chair Richard was sat in.

PHILLIP

Her name is Alys.

CUT TO:

INT. A CASTLE, CYPRUS - NIGHT

Richard is sat at the head of the table. He is chatting loudly to various nobles. Next to Richard is a young woman who is trying to ensnare his attention. Phillip is sat off to the side, murmuring darkly to a knight.

PHILLIP

I don't even have the words. I can't believe this. I just can't. I can't believe he would spit on my marriage offer like this!

Phillip glares pointedly at Richard, who is still ignoring the young woman, Berengaria. She sighs and turns to talk to someone else, gesturing meaningfully at Richard.

Now, I don't know if this was true, but James told Merek who told Forthwind who told Rulf, who told me that Richard is planning to take over Cyprus! And then sell it! I hope he's going to share the money, not like he needs any more dough.

NOBLE

What?

PHILLIP

Oh! Haha, didn't see you there pal. Don't worry about it.

Phillip pats the noble on the back and turns away. The noble looks confused.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)

You know his mum gave him land when he was 15? All my parents ever got me was a bloody horse! It's so unfair! I never get anything!

KNIGHT

Indeed my lord, it is unfair.

PHILLIP

Thank you!

Pauses for a beat as he tries to remember the knight's name

The knight opens his mouth to speak.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)

You know what? I don't care. Let's keep talking about me. I can't keep letting him push me around! I'm not some grubby villein shovelling dirt in a field only to die at 20! I'm a king! I'll live until I'm at least 35! I've got to get back at him.. Show him I'm not someone to sneer at.. But how?

KNIGHT

Clears his throat

Perhaps, my lord, you could leave for the Holy Land early. That would really show him.

PHILLIP

Oho! An idea! I shall leave for the Holy Land early. It's the perfect plan! But first, I must make a scene. I must show he is no true king.. But wait! How would I even leave?

KNIGHT

Er, perhaps you could take your sh-.

PHILLIP

Another idea! I shall take my ship! Be grateful lowly knight, I have allowed you to witness my mind at work! But now I must go... I have a king to show up!

FADE TO:

INT. A CASTLE, CYPRUS - NIGHT

RICHARD

And then I proclaimed, someone hath risen upon the wrong side of the bed this morn!

He laughs loudly, wiping tears out of his eyes.

The crowd is silent. Richard stops laughing and reaches for his sword. The crowd breaks into hysterical laughter. Phillip is standing at the table and coughs loudly. Nobody responds. He tries again. Frustrated, Phillip grabs Richard's goblet and flings it at him. It splats lamely on the table.

RICHARD

What on earth!?

PHILLIP

There! That showed you, didn't it!

Pauses for an awkward beat

You'll never be a real king! You're just a jumped up idiot in robes! I'm leaving early for the Holy Land!

To the shocked nobles.

Oh, and thank you for the roast pork, delicious.

Phillip stamps away. He slams the door behind him.

CUT TO:

INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT

RICHARD

May the lord protect us! I cannot believe that such a thing would happen! Phillip and I were as close as brothers, like myself and John! Our relationship was legendary! He, as pathetic as a babe in the cot, and I with my power, my hair like the mane of a lion, my resplendent clothing, my sharp wit, and of course my courteous and humble attitude. We were the perfect duo! He raised my spirits and gave me much hope for my reign as king due to his inability to rule! If you were to ask me..

Whispered

a humoral imbalance was the cause!

As normal

Anyway, I have more urgent issues to worry about. I cannot tolerate people questioning my divine rule! I must seize Jerusalem! That is the only way I'll be king! I must do this with haste, as I'm sure my idiotic little brother will turn mutinous soon..

CUT TO:

EXT. THE FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

John is sitting in a field. He is messing around with his sword. Stabbing pathetically at a wooden figure with Richard's face sketched onto it. He looks bored and miserable.

JOHN

Good God I'm bored. Fancy invading England?

CUT TO:

INT. A CASTLE, CYPRUS - MOMENTS LATER FROM THE PREVIOUS CYPRUS SCENE

The camera zooms in on the doors which are opening hesitantly. Phillip pokes his head around his door. He sneaks into the room with exaggerated care. He's almost reached a sword that has been left at his table, when he trips over a rug.

RICHARD

Ah Phillip! Why hath you returned at so untimely an hour? Perchance you experienced a change of heart? No doubt twas my natural charisma.

PHILLIP

I forgot my sword.

Phillip shuffles awkwardly towards the door. The door closes silently. The camera follows Phillip. Phillip is having a whispered argument with a servant

PHILLIP (CONT'D)

What do you mean we can't leave yet? The weather is too calm? Damn! This would've never happened in France. Begone!

The servant scurries away.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)

How embarrassing, I can't take this

anymore!

To cameraman

Oh God, you're still here? Just go away, push off yeah?

Phillip stabs at the cameraman. The cameraman dodges out the way, then runs. They reach the outside before tripping. The cameraman gasps in pain and the camera goes dark.

Voiceover in darkness.

Oh damn, there goes another one. Where does Richard keep finding replacements?

CUT TO:

EXT. A BATTLEFIELD, ACRE - DAY

Richard is standing triumphantly on a hill, sword in the air. His army, including Phillip are on their horses below.

RICHARD

My allies! Today is one that the bards shall song about for all eternities! The victory of Richard the Lionheart at the battle of Acre! Finally I'm a king! I'm important! Of course I shall take most of the money. Oh and all the fame. And I'll pay my soldiers richly, just to show that I can!

The crowd cheers heartily. Aside from Phillip who loudly exclaims.

PHILLIP

Wait, what? I can't pay my men that much! This is ridiculous! That's it. That's it! I'm out of here!

He stumbles onto his horse and rides away.

RICHARD

Who was that? Oh 'tis no matter. I shall I have no consequences for my actions! I shall be remembered for centuries! I shall reign eternal!

The crowd cheers. These cheers then morph into quiet sobs.

CUT TO:

INT. RICHARD’S CASTLE - NIGHT

Richard's coffin is in the centre of the room. It's covered in gold and an enormous portrait of him on top of it. In the room, a crowd of people are sobbing respectfully. John is stood near the coffin, trying to surreptitiously steal the gold from the coffin.

INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT

JOHN

Of course I miss him terribly. He was such a bright light, a beacon for our poor country. I'm sorry, I need a moment.

John splutters with fake tears, that end with muffled laughter.

CUT TO:

INT. RICHARD’S CASTLE - NIGHT

JOHN

Oh wow! He's dead!! I don't even have to try and pretend he's dead again!

John rips up some paper. He then dances around the room, laughing triumphantly as the mourners continue to try and cry respectfully.

JOHN (CONT'D)

No more comparisons. No more being ignored! Mum can't say, ohhh Richard wouldn't do this! Richard wouldn't do that! HA! You hear that? I'm KING!!

INT. JOHN’S CASTLE - THE NEXT DAY

John is seated on his throne. He rubs his hands together in anticipation.

JOHN

Well! To business! Time to show everyone that I can rule just as good as my darling dead brother! What's first on the agenda?

SERVANT

Clears his throat

Well, my lord. The country is falling into ruin because we have no money, it's all gone towards your brother's ransom. We're being threatened on all sides by various enemies, in particular Phillip the II who has said and I quote, 'he will never forget the injustice dealt against him by your brother'. Oh and you need to decide what to have for dinner.

JOHN

Right! Let's start with the most important issue! Bring in the menu!

INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

JOHN

Of course being a king is really hard, especially as we're a little low on funds, thanks to my damn brother! But luckily this countries Messiah has arrived!

INT. JOHN’S CASTLE - DAY

John is pacing in his throne room. He appears to be deep in thought, muttering to himself and writing sums on some paper.

JOHN

Send for the tailor!

A tailor scurries in to the throne room, clutching various fabrics.

JOHN (CONT'D)

As you can see, I have duties to attend to. Important ones such as deciding what robe to wear for my Christmas feast!

John laughs heartily. In the background, angry peasants appear to be yelling for compensation. John shuffles towards the windows and slams them, muffling the noise.

JOHN (CONT'D)

People love me of course. Now, back to the matter at hand. What do you think? The green is rather slimming, but the red compliments the crown! I'll go for red! What do I owe you?

The tailor whispers in his ear.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Ah, over £700?

Graphic: APPROXIMATELY £510,878.48.

He pauses for a long beat, camera shifts between John and

the tailor, building tension

JOHN (CONT'D)

Sure! When you're a king, you've got to look resplendent. God chose me for a reason, after all. Self-care is important, we've all got to give ourselves small treats, right?

He sweeps his arms grandiosely showing off the endless golden bangles and bracelets he has on his wrist.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Where is the bard?? I need to tell him what I just said! He can sing my wisdom to the crowd!

He laughs triumphantly.

JOHN (CONT'D)

The barons are going to be thrilled!

CUT TO:

INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

JOHN

The barons were not thrilled.

CUT TO:

INT. JOHN’S CASTLE - DAY

Angry barons are slamming into the large palace doors. John is cowering behind his throne.

JOHN

Oh god! I can't believe this. What on earth are they doing?

The door begins to splinter. John screams and runs towards the cameraman.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Take him! Take him instead!

John shoves the cameraman into the barons. The cameraman flings the camera and escapes, leaving it in the hands of a baron.

BARON

Oh! It's one of those magic mirrors the king has! Quick everyone, pillaging image!

A crowd of barons gather before the camera and grin for a group selfie. One overenthusiastic baron swings his sword into the camera. The camera breaks and the screen goes dark. Graphic on screen: NEXT TIME ON....

BARON (V.O.)

Dammit James! Why do you always ruin everything!

JAMES (V.O.)

Sorry guys.

VOICEOVER

Next time on: Keeping Up with the Angevins! John struggles to hold his collapsing country together, Phillip is jealous and Richard is causing problems, even in death! It's nice to know some things never change..

Author

Mabel van Zwanenberg Rouse

Mabel van Zwanenberg Rouse

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